I tried to tell them my good news tonight.

The other night, I listened to my messages (yes, that's good news in and of itself, as Amber pointed out--so feel free to leave phone messages again. i AM checking...) and Jason called about doing a signing for WALTER MOSLEY.

Tonight, it hit me that I hadn't told any of them so I jump up to tell them and am met with blank stares.

One of these days, I'm gonna meet some friends who read (a lot).

Holy sweetness, batman!

So it is CONFIRMED that our counterparts from @Windsor are JUMPING THE BORDER (perhaps swimming across the Detroit River if they're hardcore enough) to come visit us for our info session on Wednesday.

The info session was awesome the other day. I definitely had the most fun I've ever had at an info session at that one. Afterward, once everyone left, we took the time to hook my mini ipod and AIESEC dance our cute little butts off. We showed them cotton eyed joe on speed and made it turn off when Reach for the Stars somehow came on.

There's something seriously hot about jumping in the car to speed to the border in about 40 minutes, for once NOT being hassled while crossing, eating at Harvey's (is that the name? hmm), ironing out all the details of the session, fixing the computer a few times, running the session, dancing AIESEC until it hurts, then rushing back across the border to run out to the bar. HOT, right?

Now they're coming to visit us. THAT'S INTERNATIONAL LOVIN, BABY!

(also, you should see the handouts that Canada has--you'd cream yourself, trust me)

I swear, this house is more cold than it is warm. One of these days, I'm going to wake up covered in snow. (You should see the outsides and it is so so so ugly. I stepped off the porch the other day and my foot kept going--I thought the snow would never end.)

This weekend was more weird than good. I'm not really sure what it is, but it just left my head spinning and me definitely stressed about how little I accomplished. Really very uncool. That pinched feeling of stress. Not my best friend, but an acquaintance I know quite well.

I think later today I may just retreat into the @office and have a bit of quiet for a while. The funny thing about the office is that not too many people seem to realize that they can use it. For that exact reason, it's about the best study place that it's been in years.



Recent purchases: O by Damien Rice and Five Leaves Left by Nick Drake.

There is something about soft music sung well that gets me. They didn't have Seven Swans by Sufjan Stevens, so maybe I'll wait on that or just not purchase it at all. I'm still on that whole own nothing! kick.



Class in 55 minutes. Oooh boy.

I need to learn where the off switch is for my brain. I'm steadily driving myself insane. No more challenging paradigms--at least for the next six hours. That's all I ask. Please.

I keep thinking about the people I could seek out and toss what's in my head up in the air for them to digest--this is when I realize that I can talk to as many people as I want, but they're not going to have an answer for me. And it will be, and is, good for me to speak to as many people as possible--the more knowledge you have, the more you have to go on, but, on the other hand, the more congested your head becomes. It's all about balance, didn't they always say that? Find the middle road--by far, it's the best.

No one is going to have an answer. I will not have an answer, most likely, but that's fine because it's the scenery that really matters--not so much the end destination, although that is pretty phatty sometimes, as well.

It just sucks because I wish I could be about five different people all at once. I wish I could take every path that's ever presented itself for me--like that Borges' story (ha, which one, right?).

But I'm not and I can't. So, until later, no regrets. Nothing.

So. Here I am on a Wednesday night, hardly thinking about homework, talking to Rob on MSN, eating rice and spinach with sweet soy sauce (to DIE for), and a cheap bailey's-knock-off on the rocks, plotting a way to smuggle the world into Aiesec.


Honestly, we're talking about the info session tomorrow night that a bunch of us are going to hop across the border to help out with. It's going to be HOT. Talk about crossing borders... I know, our cultures are so different that we may have a bit of trouble working together....

It has always baffled and annoyed me to no end that we don't work together. So close, yet no communication. That's why I stalked Rob down about a year ago now to make him come to Casino Night. Now, we're working on an info session together so we can completely SCANDALIZE and win the hearts of students from University of Windsor so that they can completely ROCK OUT Aiesec-style.

I am so excited right now. If you were here, I'd give you the big smile and two thumbs up that I picked up from one of our German trainees. Booya!

Cleaning out the computer

Currently, I'm going through the files on my computer and deleting away so that I can have some more space. If they brought my computer back from the dead, the least I can do is to give myself some more space on here so I can actually do shit.

Let's be honest--this means that I'm goign through the AIESEC files on my computer. Now that I have passed the reigns on to the next hot, hot, hot VP ITM, there's not much point in me having the minutes from meetings nearly a year old on my computer. This leaves me in a bittersweet mood, that's a tad freaked out that a year went by so quickly (so it goes, right??). There are all these files with both good and bad memories. The year began with Whirlpool, which drove me insane. Batty 24 hours a day, no shit.

Then, of course there are all the pictures. Funny pictures--some sober, most of them drunken.

THEN! I run across this little gem... I had no idea someone put it on my computer, but am I flipping glad they did or what. (and how Drake snuck some of his quotes on our wall, beyond me... LUSH!)



SSC 2004 OC room quotes

*Greg: Maybe I should just ask for a horse.

*Greg: Maybe Madeline Albright is good in bed. You never know.

*Matt: How about Mr. Pimp Daddy
Pam: That’s not a superhero.
Matt: Want to see my super powers?
*Matt: Shut up for I’ll spoon with you tonight (to Chris and Greg)

*Drake: Who wants to get laid tonight?

*Pam : Jem has super powers-she shows her thing and do shit (douche it)

*Sarah, KS: Stick it in and I’ll screw it
I won’t go down on that.
Where does this thing go in.
I’m wet.

*Chris: Twidle your little joystick.
Greg: I’m twideling.
Chris: Keep going you’re almost there.

*Matt: Dude, I’m not that global.

*Mike (to Paul): Dude you need a bitch.
Paul: laugh
Frances: laugh..and cun it be George and can we dress him in a monkey suit.

*Mike: I don’t want a vagina on my cheek. I want one on my nose.

*Mike: Don’t draw a penis on my face, I’m not passed out yet.

*Pam: Make it bigger, make it bigger!
Greg: I can’t make it bigger!

*Greg: Oh my god, I am just so good.

*Colleen: You can’t teach a crab to walk straight.
Chris: What if you broke it’s legs and put on wheels. Then you just have to push it.
*Chris: What if you wrapped the rock in the paper and used it like a sling, and then threw it at a pair of scissors, therefore shattering them? Huh. What then?

*Random delegate: I never reserved a room with the hotel, is that a problem?
OC: (blank stares) (whisper) douchebag?

*Colleen: Let’s do some more random delegates.

*Jon: Do you REALIZE?

*Mike: I’d do Paul up the butt. Real dominatrix-y like.

*Colleen: What else is really uplifting?
Arnaub: Rainbows.

*Connie: I’ll touch your chicken if I wanna touch your chicken.

*Colleen: I’ve had enough of your calls this week.

*Jill: I have a J Lo ass.

*Chris: You’re now Younes and you’re both Mohammed.

*Arnaub: I’m willing to sacrifice my relationship to win the scavenger hunt.

*Matt: I’m specialicous.

*Greg: I ate 6 burgers before I realized they were bad.

*Colleen: I will stab you with this plastic knife.

post- good meeting high

Yes, that's right. I just got out of a really good meeting that has left me PUMPED. Hooollly cow.

Also, am currently hanging out with Stacey and NOT doing homework (AND! I found really cute pants and a HOT sweater for only ten dollars, plus the other jeans I found and the perfume I've wanted for more than a year), so could my day really get any better?

We'll see... after this strategic stop in at work. Time to get my crappy coffee and good cheesecake at employee discounted prices ON.

but man i still think them cats are great

I’m in a weird mood tonight and I can’t really pinpoint why. There could be one million reasons, but none have any more weight than another. Maybe it’s just looking too far ahead and being daunted by what seems to be there.


These are the things I’ll miss when I leave Michigan:
* Walking at night in the winter. On the calmer nights, of course. I used to walk everywhere with my dog late at night in high school because the world used to drive me up the wall. Whenever I was stuck on anything, especially with a story, I’d grab his lease and we’d take a mile or two hike along the empty streets. The best part about where I went to high school is that the world became deserted around midnight. A lot of the time, we’d just sit at the top of the elementary climbing structure and just watch the sky. Honestly, Zero should be a professional pillow. In college, there is no dog so less walks are taken. The father makes sure to tell me about all of the awful things he hears about that happens on campus [always nice having a university police officer as a parent, right? Hmm, maybe not…]. The mother recounts Coral Watts every now and then. The point is that when you walk, your cheeks feel a bit chilly and you can feel the weight of the world when you walk upon frozen earth. Instead of being muffled by the lush, green grass, you hear/feel the weight of your steps. Footsteps sound so different in the winter—just pay attention next time.
* In the winter when it snows and is just the right temperature so the top of the snow freezes and you can walk on top of it, if you’re careful. It really makes you feel like a Mid-Western Jesus.
* The end of the winter and the almost-spring when the grass is frosted over. There’s nothing like the early mornings when the grass looks a bit white and your steps thaw the blades. I’m not sure how to explain the feeling of this one. It’s looking out at the playground and feeling like you get to leave your mark on the world—until the sun comes out and erases every foot print.
* The “a.” That’s all I have to say on that one.


These are the things I’ll miss when everyone plays Reeeaaaaddddyyyyy, 1, 2, 3—SCATTER!:
* Early morning talks with my roommates.
* Late night talks with my roommates.
* Partying until 3am when I have to be at work at 4am.
* Walking across town and bumping into, at minimum, four people I know.
* My partners in crime.
* Sleeping all day so we can stay up all night.


I took the long way home tonight because I felt like walking and thinking. My legs are still thawing, but it’s not a bad feeling. I have enough blankets on me that I’ll be fine in a little bit and there’s good music coming from the stereo—so what more could you ask for in life? (I know, I know… hot men with accents that give great massages, or perhaps a Comfy Toaster)

I walked through the Law Quad and it gave me the perspective it always does. You feel so small compared to the boulders that make the buildings, or the massive stained-glass windows. There’s this really quiet beauty of the Law Quad that is kind of creepy, at times. Honestly, you could sit on the steps of the library at four am and feel like a true solipsist. (it’s like that scene in Dead Poets Society where Robin Williams’ character makes them stand on his desk so they can literally see the world in a different way)

Walking through the B-School court, I thought about how I love cities like Ann Arbor—with the green and the lines of the buildings. There’s something about lines and symmetry that I am in love with—don’t take that statement lightly. There’s something beautiful in the lines of a city. It’s why I love Chicago so much and why I got such good pictures for photo there. Totally hot. But I want to be in a city that is bigger—but still green. It’s why I like Chicago over New York and why San Francisco is like a wet dream. I’ve never been to a place that was more beautiful than San Francisco to me. It’s not hard to understand why—a city with green everywhere and it’s a definitely dog-friendly place.

As I got closer to East Quad, I started thinking about all the stupid shit we’d done in there (including this year when we revisited the dorm to play the East Quad Drinking Tour 2004, which we can explain later if I happen to remember…). So many memories in one building, in one city. That’s when I started craving a cigarette pretty badly. I started smoking again last week on Tuesday at Heather’s birthday thing. I smoked at the bar with Matt and Max. It was odd because at WSC I smoked and it made me want to puke—maybe there’s just something magical about Camels (and Parliaments).

I thought about swinging through the courtyard to see if anyone was still out and smoking, but I figured it was too cold for anybody to be out there. Besides, smoking is bad for you and it is a gross habit. I was doing well those few months when I decided smoking was not for me.

I tried to think if there was anyone to call and see. There was Rob, but he was probably with his girlfriend. That kid I met at the bar the other night, but it was too late to say hello to someone I didn’t know well. Heather graduated and is currently in Europe, soon to be in Chicago. Eli was being a good RA, I’m sure. Megan, well, I haven’t really ever hung out with her one-on-one, even though I think she’s awesome and we’ve known each other since either freshman or sophomore year. That concludes everyone I know that still lives there—I think.

Growing up is funny business and I honestly have no interest in not living with some of these fools beyond college. I don’t see the point in moving off and simply writing them an email every now and then, or drunken updates over the phone, or even only seeing each other at alumni events and special occasions. Fuck that shit.

I calculate about six or seven years until I have to get serious about anything—including life, in general.







I wish I could feel, always, the way that I feel when I listen to Tom Petty’s Mary Jane’s Last Dance. This is potentially my favorite song, ever. Period. Dot.

the purpose of this is simply to capture things--it will be short.


Tonight, we had dinner. THere were supposed to be more people, but the best people ended up at that table. Out of six, we had five and they were all AIESECers.

There's this line in Joyce Carol Oates' Foxfire and I think of it at times like these: Maddy Monkey, I'm so happy I think my heart will explode.

Ok, so that's not exactly it, but that's really close. I always forget what it is exactly, especially when I try to think about it word for word.

Dinner, Sex and the City, the bar, walking home.

It's the small things in life that mean the world and they were everywhere tonight. Especially when Sarah PIMPED IT OUT. Yessss. My hero.

In summation: I wouldn't trade the night I had for anything. I'm so happy right now, I hardly know how to convey it--so I'm not going to waste my time trying. Thank god I have awesome friends--who can really bust a move.

I have that fuzzy feeling.
What--you mean that drunk feeling?

You've been PIMPED!

The Pimp Pad likes a few things:

Fine wine
Good eats (especially good cake--the kind with rainbow chip frosting)
Attractive men
Funny men
Cute men
Dancing
Shots
Hot mens
Nice, smooth drinks
Drunk dials
You
Sex and the City
Skipping class
Long roadtrips along
Intellectually/culturally stimulating conversations


The most common things said/heard in our kitchen:

Oww!!! That's hoootttttt!!
Goddamnit, pieceofshit,FUCK!
Ooooh shiiiit
Oops!
Is it supposed to do that...?

Okay, so let’s talk about how weird it was going to GMM and not having to do anything. Well, it was weird. And nice. It’s really hot to sit back and watch others do it and to be able to enjoy.

And it’s very odd to suddenly have all of this time on my hands. No more five hours of meetings a week, plus whatever else is on the side. Now I can really focus on the projects I’ve wanted to do since I joined and help out wherever I can. It’s hard to respond any other way but a quick and somewhat sad smile when people ask me if I’m on the team anymore and if I’ll be going to meetings or not. The tiny things that people say are what make you the gladdest for a year spent with all your time and energy sucked up by the biggest badass organization out there. AIESEC Michigan snagging the excellence in quality exchange award and Stacey’s comment about deciding to go to WSC after sitting and speaking to me about it—those are the things that make me glad that I nearly failed several classes and didn’t really do much beside AIESEC-related things.

This whole NFT realm is so weird. I’m not even sure where to begin. Just going to focus on stepping up impact with our SNs. I plan on effectively ROCKING THEIR WORLD.

[If AIESEC were a movie quote, the power point would be summed up with you had me at hello. Then everything else would be something a bit more crass.]

The power point sucked me in and left me with goosebumps. Talking about it really hooked me. The night that we went and saw Michael Moore speak was the night that really got me into AIESEC. Michael Moore, dinner at China Gate, a bottle of blue UV (no chasers), and dancing until I couldn’t move (of course, it was Las Ketchup over and over and over—then the Venga Boys). Socially, that’s the night that AIESEC got me. Right? Downhill from there, baby.


On another front, the scandal keeps entering my life. This time, I can’t even blame Aiesec for it. What the bump is that.

I smoked a cigarette last night and I suppose that's the taste left in my mouth. I thought I'd left them far behind, but I suppose not.

Today, I wake up to the roommates speaking VERY loudly in the bathroom, looking at the wreckage of the night. (I think of last night and cover my face with disbelief. HOLY SHIT. That's how I'm recording the night. Hopefully I'll know what that means in about twenty years.)

Heather turned the big 2-1 last night so I headed out there after class and work. Ended up drinking, when that is not what was intended (Rachel's a bad influence). I still need to finish DeLillo's White Noise.

Is it really bad to skip the third day of class? Fuck. Need to wake my ass up and somehow become undrunk. Also, today is the day that I clear my messages. Get ready, world.

One of the things that keeps coming up over the past few days is simply the possession of objects. It came up for something I’ll mention in a moment and the other time was today in class when we were having a discussion on DeLillo’s White Noise.

I haven’t mentioned it to anyone, haven’t spoken the words at all, but my great aunt died. I know that a lot of people have this disconnect when someone says the word “great,” but it’s not like that with her. When I was little, I definitely saw her more than I did either of my parents because she would be the one who was there when we left for school and who was there when we got back in the afternoon.

Tonight was the Life Celebration for her and it was held over at that once church whose name I’ll never remember because, well, I only go once every few years. My mother alerted me to the fact that it was the place where I began my illustrious fashion career at the tender age of, uh… young with a fashion show in the main reception area.

When I was younger, I made the conscious decision that I would crumble when the important women in my life went away. Obviously, this is not what has happened over the years. My life has been shaped by these women who are brick walls and I’ve known this since I was in elementary school. If you think about them long enough, they will take your breath away. The family is run by strong women—they are the foundation of our family; the beginning and the end.

She would have been seventy-five this year, in July, the oldest in our family. Older than anyone had ever lived before. Now my grandmother is the matriarch. Tonight, I felt my chest cave in every time I thought about what it must feel like to lose your sister—each time I thought about it, I elbowed my sister in her side and tried to smile at her without crying. There’s this quiet sadness in my grandmother’s eyes right now and I almost expect it to be there forever because I don’t see how it could ever disappear. This is for a variety of reasons that I will keep to myself.

If anybody ever taught me how to be a hardass in life, it was Aunt Phyll. It’s a funny thing to think about this little woman, maybe five foot, being as harsh as she was and commanding a room as remarkably. There is no one who could set you straight as fast as this little woman could. When we were little and she began using a cane, she joked with us that it was just another way for her to reach us from across the room—that she could just reach out and hook us around the neck with it. She said this with a smile, but you could see that slight raise of her eyebrow that said, go ahead, try me.

I’m not going to say that I never knew what it felt like to have a handle of a cane slip around your neck because that would be a lie…. I still swear that I am the good one in the family, regardless.

I found out that she died when we were on the train heading into downtown as we were leaving WSC. I didn’t say anything about it because that’s just… you know, a fact to hold inside yourself for a bit before you blubber about it. I still haven’t mentioned it to anyone, but … I don’t know, it’s hard to track someone down just to tell them something shitty that happened in your life. People have been busy and it's not... when you finally see someone for the first time in a day or two, that's not really the first thing you (read: I) want to say. Besides, I’m bad with talking about the sad things.

It brings up all of this guilt because the family was there and I was off at a conference. The one thing that makes it okay is that it was the best conference that I’ve been to thus far and it’s still making my head spin. While I know this very well, it’s a hard thing to reconcile, which is another reason that I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. It’s difficult to resolve something like that. On one hand, I was very very close to not going because I wanted to spend more time in Ann Arbor relaxing and working, go home for a while and see my dog, spend some more time with the family. I really didn’t want to go to WSC—but I did, all at once. Because I missed those foolios that have shaped my life for the last year and a half (fuck, shaped? Let’s be serious: changed my life), because I missed hearing people speak passionately about making/BEING change and because there were/are things that I want to do this semester to push AIESEC Michigan into realizing its potential on the impact front and the information I needed to gather would be at that conference.

The conference was worth it. It really was. I had a great time, I made great friends, I thought hard about what it is to really live. They didn’t call me to ask me to come home because they knew there was nothing that I could do at home and probably wouldn’t make it back in time. I suppose it’s simply difficult to reconcile guilt, right? Even when you know that you couldn’t have done anything and that… well, I’m not sure. The other thing to know is that I don’t need to be sure. Right?

Beyond this, it’s begun all sorts of family drama that rile me up inside. Blatant disregard that makes my mind spin and tells me that I’m far too naïve for my own good. More things that exemplified the person I don’t want to be. The desire to stop owning so many objects. I’ve always wanted to be able to pack everything I own into one car, or even a single bag. Blah. This part, I suppose I won’t write here. Maybe another day.

Yet, it ties in with what I was discussing with White Noise. All of these objects that people own—are they really a sum of the things that are kept in their personal space? That’s the opposite of what I want. The last three weeks have made me think a lot about the life I want to lead and are helping me make a lot of decisions on how things will be going in the near future.



My favorite thing: she always told it to you straight—there was no pussyfooting around the truth with her. She told you when you were being stupid and wouldn’t sugarcoat it. Also, you could always get your fill of senior citizens cussing around her. And also the way she’d start laughing when you did, or before she could get to the punch line of a story or joke, and just couldn’t stop long enough to choke out the ending.

The end goal is to live as fully and happy. Right? Yessssss.

I have pieces of stories everywhere. Literally.

I open my IFS space and see that nearly every file is either a story bit, or something for AIESEC. Real shocking, right? If I could, I’d sit and write all day long. If I did that, I wonder if I could ever reach the point where my head is really empty. And what the hell would that be like? Stillness? Probably until something else moved and made me start thinking again.


So, I’ve purchased about five bajillion books in the last 24 hours:

Alice Munro’s Lives of Girls and Women
Louise Erdrich’s Love Medicine
Marilynne Robinson’s Housekeeping
The Best American Travel Writing 2004
Don DeLillo’s White Noise
Jeffery Eugenides’ Middlesex
Virginia Woolf’s Mrs. Dalloway
Gayl Jones’ CoRregi dora
Phillip Roth’s The Ghost Writer
Gish Jen’s Typical American
Nicholson Baker’s The Mezzanine
Edward P. Jones’ The Known World
Michael Cunningham’s The Hours
Tim O’Brien’s In the Lake of the Woods
Robert Hayden’s Collected Poems
Mbye Cham’s Ex-Iles: Essays on Caribbean Cinema

These are only three classes and one book for myself. The good thing is that I’ve spent less than a hundred dollars on all of this. Thank god for gift cards and discounts at places of employment. This is when I’m glad that I work at a bookstore.

All I have to say is: I’m going to be a fucking genius after this semester [if I read all of these books…].

Today I walked to work thinking about how funny it is that you really never forget certain people. Even the small people in your life--the ones that would have names like Man at Hot Dog Booth #7 in the credits of your life movie. Or how you think you see them everywhere and it's not them, just another random stranger in the world.

Right before I left for WSC, I ran into a girl that I knew back in middle school. I hadn't seen her since eighth grade, but we still stopped when we looked at each other and a loud, holy shit, it's you! came out of our mouths. In eighth grade, we were in drama class together and had to make music videos so we spent two entire afternoons making up dances to two different songs. Best dances in the entire class, I must tell you. If I could remember any of them, I'm sure the ywould make fabulous AIESEC dances [by the by, holy shit, some of those dances we did this conference will live on FOREVER in my head and I will get jiggy with it any time I hear them--no matter where I am].

All throughout break, there were all of these people who would walk through the doors and I had small stories to tell about them. Simply another indication that my time in Ann Arbor is definitely at a close. It's a lovely place, but it's becoming a bit too painful running into all of these people. It's like being stuck in the past all the time because you can't escape it. It's there every time you turn around.

More and more, it's becoming a city of ghosts. Sorry, but I'm not a fan.

Speaking of the future, I decided that I'm going to hold off on applying to an international MC. I had that application in my hands, partially filled out, but decided I wanted to develop myself a bit more and be pro-active about the sort before heading off and trying to develop others. Hey, It's Up to You!, right?


My head is everywhere all at once and that is no good. Still can't recall what day it is--that's when you know you were at a successful conference. Booja.

holy satisfaction, batman!

Got back not too long ago. We missed two trains--well, one happened because we were a bit too intoxicated and not caring a ton, so we switched it to a later train. Apparently, Nob called and bawled the lady out--potentially, he begged like a little bitch to get the times changed. I'm sure he'd tell you that he didn't, but I'm not so sure.... The next, we missed by only twenty minutes. Motherfucker.


This conference had to have been the best I'd ever been to. Hands down. Mazzy was an amazing speaker, the sessions were well done, the CO's are right on and of course the majority of my favorite @ people were there. What more can you ask for? Well, I know the first thing will be some recovery time for the liver and some sleep, but hey. Not too bad.


On a down note, I think I was dropped from one of my classes for not attending today... we'll see. I'll talk to the professors and see if we can get that fixed. Otherwise, I might just be stuck taking some really shitty ass classes this semester. Whatever, I say! I just need to graduate and get out of this place. SNOW IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE.

More writing will happen at some other point, I'm sure. Especially about the last twenty-four hours, which easily qualify as the most surreal twenty-four of my life. It included everything from a rather large group of Amish folks at the train station to being taken home in a molester van to a guy with a huge spike in his head. That's just the tip of the ice burg. I suppose odd things happen when you travel with Aiesec, right?