what i am to you

for the life of me, i coulnd't tell you why i'm awak at 11:07am on a saturday when i'm still feeling a bit drunk. well, yes i could. it may have had something to do with the evil ambitions of a good friend to wake me up at 9:30am. he told me it was noon and that made me go, oh fuck, there goes the day. good thing for me that he was lying.

the house is a mess. that's what happens when there are parties at the 507. it smells like spilled and stale beer downstairs. i hear that we got a noise violation last night, but who knows. the boys from the frat used the house and i'm sure they'll be down there cleaning as soon as they wake up from being passed out in the common room in the upstairs.

yesterday was... unfun. suze orman came into the store and i got to meet her for a bit. the things she said were interesting, but didn't add any goodness to the already-financially-stressed day i was having. something about a fico score and on and on. there were certain things that were said amongst staff, but i shall not repeat in case any of them are rude.

last night, i got a good, long hug and talked about my frustrations in spanish--it's funny how you can translate emotion into the silence of searching for the right words. and how indirect and direct objects fall can be pushed into place by a drunken tongue.

there are student loans that may last forever, but that's fine. i was talking to one of my coworkers about money and the stress of it--she's putting herself through college too. i think she might be working a bit more than i am. and we both could probably make more money somewhere else, but there's something nice about working in a bookstore. even when you're working events and people are unfun--it's nice to smile at them and force them to smile back, no matter how annoying they're being. there's something satisfying about working with people--about interacting with strangers. especially when you work somewhere that has books after books everywhere. it's nice opening boxes and pulling out books--sorting onto the carts. and, honestly, i'll tell you this: there are few things in life as satisfying as the sound of a book clunking onto a shelf and sliding into its proper place. trust me. the weight of a perfect book in your hand is almost as good as a minute of laying outside in soft, green green grass and staring at the clouds.

i might be a nerd, but that's how it goes.

fiction isn't my favorite section anymore. maybe it's nature/ecology, or sociology. maybe the gender studies [which they placed in the psychology nook and i am not pleased--gender studies does not belong after recovery, which is after self-help, which is after death, abuse, aging, family psychology/divorce, child psychology, psychology, erotica, sex--gender studies do not belong in this family, they belong with the studies: archeology, sociology, asian studies, latino studies, af-amer studies, native amer studies]. i started reading this book called Goat yesterday. just real fast in the time i had for a break. the writer is amazing. i'm shocked it's published because the way he writes isn't what you normally find on the printed page--publishing doesn't usually seem to want to do that sort of thing, you know?

ultimately, my favorite section is travel. there arent that many different publishers--once you get to france, then you start to get a lot of independent books, written by authors on the joys of shopping in paris. you get some like that for italy, about rome and walking in tuscany, but not many before that. definitely not for the u.s.--nor for canada. you start to see that one dude once you get to hawaii and the caribbean, jimmy something. the books that offend and annoy me--but not as badly as those dr. laura ones that talk about the proper care of husbands, like they're little animals that may die if you don't feed them once every other day.

i've never made it past china when alphabetising. they thought it was a feat that could never be done--getting through that entire section--and they were pretty much right. i got bored and it is frustrating when people undo your work, like they know what they're doing. someone goes through and pulls all the guides together in sections like south america. i told customers about AIESEC up in there once, but they made traveling like a conquest, not an experience. fuck that. life as a conquest is a sad concept. The only sin in life is unhappiness. there are a lot of things that go into that--so it's not as simple to say something like that, but you have to find the common denominator so that it can translate person-to-person.

long and longer, ramble ramble. i should do that sleep thing.

I know that this is one of the most disjointed things ever--no flow, no common tie. i stopped talking about what i really meant to write about because... eh, that's a thought that maybe i'm not ready to flesh out enough for print [read: willing to put out there where someone may actually read it--someone that i know, worst of all because anonymous thoughts aren't so bad at all], although it's certainly there in its entirety in my own head. but yeah, that's what the inside of my head looks like. here, there, everywhere. i swear, there are links to things--even if they're not apparent. it's what i try to explain to everyone. i'm really not that random, my head just moves at three million miles per hour.