One of the things that keeps coming up over the past few days is simply the possession of objects. It came up for something I’ll mention in a moment and the other time was today in class when we were having a discussion on DeLillo’s White Noise.
I haven’t mentioned it to anyone, haven’t spoken the words at all, but my great aunt died. I know that a lot of people have this disconnect when someone says the word “great,” but it’s not like that with her. When I was little, I definitely saw her more than I did either of my parents because she would be the one who was there when we left for school and who was there when we got back in the afternoon.
Tonight was the Life Celebration for her and it was held over at that once church whose name I’ll never remember because, well, I only go once every few years. My mother alerted me to the fact that it was the place where I began my illustrious fashion career at the tender age of, uh… young with a fashion show in the main reception area.
When I was younger, I made the conscious decision that I would crumble when the important women in my life went away. Obviously, this is not what has happened over the years. My life has been shaped by these women who are brick walls and I’ve known this since I was in elementary school. If you think about them long enough, they will take your breath away. The family is run by strong women—they are the foundation of our family; the beginning and the end.
She would have been seventy-five this year, in July, the oldest in our family. Older than anyone had ever lived before. Now my grandmother is the matriarch. Tonight, I felt my chest cave in every time I thought about what it must feel like to lose your sister—each time I thought about it, I elbowed my sister in her side and tried to smile at her without crying. There’s this quiet sadness in my grandmother’s eyes right now and I almost expect it to be there forever because I don’t see how it could ever disappear. This is for a variety of reasons that I will keep to myself.
If anybody ever taught me how to be a hardass in life, it was Aunt Phyll. It’s a funny thing to think about this little woman, maybe five foot, being as harsh as she was and commanding a room as remarkably. There is no one who could set you straight as fast as this little woman could. When we were little and she began using a cane, she joked with us that it was just another way for her to reach us from across the room—that she could just reach out and hook us around the neck with it. She said this with a smile, but you could see that slight raise of her eyebrow that said, go ahead, try me.
I’m not going to say that I never knew what it felt like to have a handle of a cane slip around your neck because that would be a lie…. I still swear that I am the good one in the family, regardless.
I found out that she died when we were on the train heading into downtown as we were leaving WSC. I didn’t say anything about it because that’s just… you know, a fact to hold inside yourself for a bit before you blubber about it. I still haven’t mentioned it to anyone, but … I don’t know, it’s hard to track someone down just to tell them something shitty that happened in your life. People have been busy and it's not... when you finally see someone for the first time in a day or two, that's not really the first thing you (read: I) want to say. Besides, I’m bad with talking about the sad things.
It brings up all of this guilt because the family was there and I was off at a conference. The one thing that makes it okay is that it was the best conference that I’ve been to thus far and it’s still making my head spin. While I know this very well, it’s a hard thing to reconcile, which is another reason that I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. It’s difficult to resolve something like that. On one hand, I was very very close to not going because I wanted to spend more time in Ann Arbor relaxing and working, go home for a while and see my dog, spend some more time with the family. I really didn’t want to go to WSC—but I did, all at once. Because I missed those foolios that have shaped my life for the last year and a half (fuck, shaped? Let’s be serious: changed my life), because I missed hearing people speak passionately about making/BEING change and because there were/are things that I want to do this semester to push AIESEC Michigan into realizing its potential on the impact front and the information I needed to gather would be at that conference.
The conference was worth it. It really was. I had a great time, I made great friends, I thought hard about what it is to really live. They didn’t call me to ask me to come home because they knew there was nothing that I could do at home and probably wouldn’t make it back in time. I suppose it’s simply difficult to reconcile guilt, right? Even when you know that you couldn’t have done anything and that… well, I’m not sure. The other thing to know is that I don’t need to be sure. Right?
Beyond this, it’s begun all sorts of family drama that rile me up inside. Blatant disregard that makes my mind spin and tells me that I’m far too naïve for my own good. More things that exemplified the person I don’t want to be. The desire to stop owning so many objects. I’ve always wanted to be able to pack everything I own into one car, or even a single bag. Blah. This part, I suppose I won’t write here. Maybe another day.
Yet, it ties in with what I was discussing with White Noise. All of these objects that people own—are they really a sum of the things that are kept in their personal space? That’s the opposite of what I want. The last three weeks have made me think a lot about the life I want to lead and are helping me make a lot of decisions on how things will be going in the near future.
My favorite thing: she always told it to you straight—there was no pussyfooting around the truth with her. She told you when you were being stupid and wouldn’t sugarcoat it. Also, you could always get your fill of senior citizens cussing around her. And also the way she’d start laughing when you did, or before she could get to the punch line of a story or joke, and just couldn’t stop long enough to choke out the ending.
The end goal is to live as fully and happy. Right? Yessssss.
I haven’t mentioned it to anyone, haven’t spoken the words at all, but my great aunt died. I know that a lot of people have this disconnect when someone says the word “great,” but it’s not like that with her. When I was little, I definitely saw her more than I did either of my parents because she would be the one who was there when we left for school and who was there when we got back in the afternoon.
Tonight was the Life Celebration for her and it was held over at that once church whose name I’ll never remember because, well, I only go once every few years. My mother alerted me to the fact that it was the place where I began my illustrious fashion career at the tender age of, uh… young with a fashion show in the main reception area.
When I was younger, I made the conscious decision that I would crumble when the important women in my life went away. Obviously, this is not what has happened over the years. My life has been shaped by these women who are brick walls and I’ve known this since I was in elementary school. If you think about them long enough, they will take your breath away. The family is run by strong women—they are the foundation of our family; the beginning and the end.
She would have been seventy-five this year, in July, the oldest in our family. Older than anyone had ever lived before. Now my grandmother is the matriarch. Tonight, I felt my chest cave in every time I thought about what it must feel like to lose your sister—each time I thought about it, I elbowed my sister in her side and tried to smile at her without crying. There’s this quiet sadness in my grandmother’s eyes right now and I almost expect it to be there forever because I don’t see how it could ever disappear. This is for a variety of reasons that I will keep to myself.
If anybody ever taught me how to be a hardass in life, it was Aunt Phyll. It’s a funny thing to think about this little woman, maybe five foot, being as harsh as she was and commanding a room as remarkably. There is no one who could set you straight as fast as this little woman could. When we were little and she began using a cane, she joked with us that it was just another way for her to reach us from across the room—that she could just reach out and hook us around the neck with it. She said this with a smile, but you could see that slight raise of her eyebrow that said, go ahead, try me.
I’m not going to say that I never knew what it felt like to have a handle of a cane slip around your neck because that would be a lie…. I still swear that I am the good one in the family, regardless.
I found out that she died when we were on the train heading into downtown as we were leaving WSC. I didn’t say anything about it because that’s just… you know, a fact to hold inside yourself for a bit before you blubber about it. I still haven’t mentioned it to anyone, but … I don’t know, it’s hard to track someone down just to tell them something shitty that happened in your life. People have been busy and it's not... when you finally see someone for the first time in a day or two, that's not really the first thing you (read: I) want to say. Besides, I’m bad with talking about the sad things.
It brings up all of this guilt because the family was there and I was off at a conference. The one thing that makes it okay is that it was the best conference that I’ve been to thus far and it’s still making my head spin. While I know this very well, it’s a hard thing to reconcile, which is another reason that I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. It’s difficult to resolve something like that. On one hand, I was very very close to not going because I wanted to spend more time in Ann Arbor relaxing and working, go home for a while and see my dog, spend some more time with the family. I really didn’t want to go to WSC—but I did, all at once. Because I missed those foolios that have shaped my life for the last year and a half (fuck, shaped? Let’s be serious: changed my life), because I missed hearing people speak passionately about making/BEING change and because there were/are things that I want to do this semester to push AIESEC Michigan into realizing its potential on the impact front and the information I needed to gather would be at that conference.
The conference was worth it. It really was. I had a great time, I made great friends, I thought hard about what it is to really live. They didn’t call me to ask me to come home because they knew there was nothing that I could do at home and probably wouldn’t make it back in time. I suppose it’s simply difficult to reconcile guilt, right? Even when you know that you couldn’t have done anything and that… well, I’m not sure. The other thing to know is that I don’t need to be sure. Right?
Beyond this, it’s begun all sorts of family drama that rile me up inside. Blatant disregard that makes my mind spin and tells me that I’m far too naïve for my own good. More things that exemplified the person I don’t want to be. The desire to stop owning so many objects. I’ve always wanted to be able to pack everything I own into one car, or even a single bag. Blah. This part, I suppose I won’t write here. Maybe another day.
Yet, it ties in with what I was discussing with White Noise. All of these objects that people own—are they really a sum of the things that are kept in their personal space? That’s the opposite of what I want. The last three weeks have made me think a lot about the life I want to lead and are helping me make a lot of decisions on how things will be going in the near future.
My favorite thing: she always told it to you straight—there was no pussyfooting around the truth with her. She told you when you were being stupid and wouldn’t sugarcoat it. Also, you could always get your fill of senior citizens cussing around her. And also the way she’d start laughing when you did, or before she could get to the punch line of a story or joke, and just couldn’t stop long enough to choke out the ending.
The end goal is to live as fully and happy. Right? Yessssss.
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